We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
