does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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