When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
