I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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