I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
