Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
