That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
