The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
