please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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