You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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