he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
