Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
