dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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