My cat gives me a boner
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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