Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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