I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
