The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When are your genitals available?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
