What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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