I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
