don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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