i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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