Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
