Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
