if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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