Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
