good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My ATM looks so different sober.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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