I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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