made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
