dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
