i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
