I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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