I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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