Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
