I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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