I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
