My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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