If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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