i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
