turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
