This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
