I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
