It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
