Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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