I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
