I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
