I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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