I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
