Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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