How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
