I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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