dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize