Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
