sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
