my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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